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Playoff Beards: Shia Infiltration in the NHL?

ImageIn hockey towns like Vancouver, the beard is a common sight in the month of May, as are hockey flags on every car, honks on every night in which there is a win, “Go Canucks Go!” blinking on every bus, special deals for Canucks fans, and competitions on who can grow the largest playoff beard.

 

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Scott Neidermyer of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks

There comes a time every year when every worthy Shia male sports a beard. Yes, it is true, every worthy male, meaning every male who has undying love for the National Hockey League (and possibly other leagues that now share the tradition). Not only do they grow beards, they refuse to shave in solidarity with their teams, an Islamic practice for centuries! Although at first glance this may seem like a twisted way of Islam to infiltrate and brainwash Western society, it is actually the other way around. In fact, two months every year, everyone in Western society is acceptant of beards, and the bigger the better! Airport security goes wild, not sure about who the real terrorists are, letting would-be terrorists through on the pretense that it’s NHL playoff season. Even intolerant wives accept the beards during this season. In fact, the size of your beard is an indicator of your success. (The longer you’re in the run, the bigger your beard will be.) If only this attitude remained throughout the entire year, but alas, what is the deal with playoff beards?

 

You may get considerably confused, believing you are looking at a bunch of Hezbollah soldiers – large males with large beards. But of course, since Lebanon doesn’t have ice, one begins to realize that these soldiers are completely different. They are fighting for something else, with a completely different religious doctrine. What seems to be a bunch of white men chasing a black puck (no pun or political allusion intended) for the one and only Lord Stanley is actually something that serves to unify our diverse societies locally…and further divide us nationally and internationally!

In hockey towns like Vancouver, the beard is a common sight in the month of May, as are hockey flags on every car, honks on every night in which there is a win, “Go Canucks Go!” blinking on every bus, special deals for Canucks fans, and competitions on who can grow the largest playoff beard. What is Wajib for us has become something glamorous for the society we live in. (And the excuses for Shia males not sporting a beard continue to decrease!) If that’s not successful Tabligh, Allah knows what is. Furthermore, wearing an opposing team’s jersey or badmouthing the Canucks could seriously (seriously) put you in danger of getting beaten up and decapitated. (Ironically, the death sentence for opposing a local hockey team seems to warrant more understanding than an Islamic death sentence for defaming Allah.)

But back to playoff beards: where did they come from? Taking a trusty look at Wikipedia, we learn that it was possibly started by the New York Islanders in the 1980s. (Please note the occurrence of the Islamic Revolution just one year before, in 1979. Coincidence? I think not!) It is practically Lord Stanley blasphemy to shave your beard during playoff season, and losses have actually been attributed to the shaving of beards. (If only we thought of our hereafter like that!) At PlayoffBeard.com, we see a conventional beard grading guide. And, let’s not forget the gross moustaches that NHL players have also been guilty of sporting during this time. Please keep in mind that this is an extremely simplistic and vague history of the NHL playoff beard that is actually quite insignificant. What matters is that there’s a playoff beard.

So, in hairy spirit, let’s take a look at some of the most serious beards in recent playoff history. Of course, ranging from males who are unable to grow playoff beards (Paul Kariya and Sidney Crosby) to those who are unable to control their testosterone (Todd Bertuzzi and Kris Draper), there is a wide range of playoff beards and their styles. In fact, in a crazy attempt to promote playoff beards, NHL.com reports that the Detroit Red Wings actually gave all 20,066 of their spectators FAKE playoff beards “making many of the spectators look as if they took a horse and buggy to the game” just last week. It’s the one time of the year where everybody else is trying to be as Shia as possible, so come on brothers, be real males (all year long) and grow those beards! And if you can’t grow a beard (apparent Detroit fans can’t), head to Detroit and they’ll give you some fake ones.

 

The Ten Most Shia Beards of the NHL

 

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Henry Zetterberg of the Detroit Red Wings

 

 

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Eric Cole of the Carolina Hurricanes

 

 

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Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins

 

 

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Scott Neidermyer of the Anaheim Mighty Ducks

 

 

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Todd Bertuzzi of the Calgary Flames

 

 

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Brendan Shenahan of the New York Rangers

 

 

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Roberto Luongo of the Vancouver Canucks

 

 

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Pascal Depius of the Pittsburgh Penguins

 

 

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Matt Cullen of the Carolina Hurricanes

 

 

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Mike Commodore of the Columbus Blue Jackets

 

About Huda Jawad

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  • Nadir

    By far the most entertaining II article I’ve read in ages! Salawaat for the sister!

  • HiddenSoldier

    Yep, there really is no excuse for no beards. 😉 Great article!