Etiquette of the Marriage Process

Etiquette of the Marriage Process

Many individuals are left depressed due to poorly-conceived

These situations are not only the brothers’ fault but the sisters’ as well. Many sisters believe their parents will understand and will listen to their daughters’ dreams and wishes, and then when it does not work out that way, we have depressed sisters and angry brothers (and parents). Whether we like it or not, emotions are there, and it takes each of us to be strong and ready to take on this process. Unfortunately we see many cases where the parties drag on the situation for months, even years, because of small mistakes like not informing parents or family who we knew would have a problem. This becomes a stress on both the brother and the sister that is unnecessary and could have been eliminated or discussed beforehand.

Many individuals are left depressed due to poorly-conceived Marriage is an intricate process – full of emotions, decisions, and necessary communication. In many cases, we hear the saying that marriage is not only between the man and the woman, but when you marry, you marry a whole family (i.e. the “in-laws”). Decisions have to be made taking both parties’ situations and suggestions in mind. Now, this is not necessarily the case for everyone getting married (looking at culture, family structure, etc.) but this is the common and more usual situation.

Unfortunately in recent years, we have seen marriage, especially in the Islamic world, become a more difficult and challenging process. Be it the times and the new fears, many young Muslims have gone about the marriage process in the wrong way, leaving a big mess and sticky situation to be dealt with on both sides.

It is really important that when a man and woman begin to speak with an intention of marriage, they keep it only at that. Yes, it is extremely hard to keep emotions out of the way, as that is natural, and this is why Islam offers many solutions, like temporary marriage, or even open discussion, in order to be sure about the lifelong decisions being made.

Also in recent years, there have been many unfortunate events taking place when it comes to young Muslim women and men “talking” to each other. Many of us have friends involved in these situations, or are personally involved in this delicate and challenging process, which has become even more so in these recent years.

It is absolutely wrong to hide ANY important information from either party. Brothers, if you are interested in a sister, please let your parents know, if you know that they are the kind of parents who care to be involved in your marriage process. What has happened a lot lately is brothers continuing to talk to sisters they are interested in for long periods of time, and not keeping their family or parents appraised of their moves. What can and usually does end up happening is the parents’ rejection due to their own various personal reasons. This will require the brother to either stand up to his parents and make a final decision, or the brother will have to end the process with the sister, after both have become emotionally attached and usually promises and plans have been made.

These situations are not only the brothers’ fault but the sisters’ as well. Many sisters believe their parents will understand and will listen to their daughters’ dreams and wishes, and then when it does not work out that way, we have depressed sisters and angry brothers (and parents).

Whether we like it or not, emotions are there, and it takes each of us to be strong and ready to take on this process. Unfortunately we see many cases where the parties drag on the situation for months, even years, because of small mistakes like not informing parents or family who we knew would have a problem. This becomes a stress on both the brother and the sister that is unnecessary and could have been eliminated or discussed beforehand.

The last thing we want is our marriages to occur out of spite and with unhappiness on either side. We do not want angry families, parents, and hate being practiced for silly reasons. It is up to each brother and sister to make the right moves and practice a lot of clear and constant communication with each other, and more importantly, with their individual families as necessary according to their own knowledge. Every person knows his/her family best, as well as who and what is important to them.

Islam looks down upon any Muslim holding a grudge against another Muslim for any reason. What ends up happening in these situations is the exact opposite of what God wishes for us. Let us all try our best in helping each other find suitable spouses, hold more information sessions with scholars to teach youth and parents about Islamic marriage criteria, and invalid reasons to say no when it comes to parental approval. Insha’Allah we can all do each other favors when meeting each other and taking care of each others’ needs by lending a helping hand and giving good advice.

Clear communication will in turn give us fewer broken hearts. As Muslims, we should not be wasting our energy on problems that should not be problems. Instead we should be making our marriage process simpler, and more Islamic, so that we can build stronger families and communities to prepare for the Awaited One (may Allah hasten his reappearance).

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26 Comments

  1. Observer
    July 14, 09:51
    This article is not helpful. It is too vague and repetitive. Please learn how to write with clarity and if u are scared to write about the issue then dont write a piece that just beats around the bush!
    • avid reader
      July 14, 13:23
      It is not polite to insult the writer, you may keep your opinion to yourself. This article does address a major issue today, it may not provide all the answers, but it stirs the mind to think and reflect..<br />You owe the writer an apology for your rude comments in public!
    • Salaam Brother/Sister "Observer"<br /><br />I am sorry that you did not like the piece.<br /><br />I am not scared of the issue at all :) I've written many articles on this website as well as others about marriage and all that goes along with it.<br /><br />Also, speaking about "clarity"...If you could be more specific as to where I am not providing clarity, that would be very helpful to me so I can improve my writing process next time.<br /><br />Thanks.
  2. Angry
    July 14, 19:30
    what does it mean temporary marriage? islam doesn't have such rules.. please stop creating such wrong thoughts
    • re:angry
      July 14, 20:50
      Salama Ibn al-Akwa' and Jabir Ibn Abdullah reported: Allah's Messenger (May peace be upon him) came to us and permitted us to contract temporary marriage.<br /><br />Sahih Muslim, English version, v2, chapter DXLI (titled: Temporary Marriage), Tradition #3247<br />Sahih Muslim, Arabic version, 1980 Edition Pub. in Saudi Arabia, v2, p1022, Tradition #14, "Kitab al-Nikah, Bab Nikah al-Mut'a"
      • Abdullah
        July 27, 19:28
        I'm with Angry, Allah has forbidden temporary marriages and the Hadith you provided is out dated. if you return to Sahih Muslim (which i did) it says that temporary marriages WERE permitted BUT then the prophet peace be upon him said that Allah had forbidden temporary marriage until the judgement day.<br /><br />http://hadith.al-islam.com/Page.aspx?pageid=192&TOCID=616&BookID=25&PID=2582<br /><br />http://hadith.al-islam.com/Page.aspx?pageid=192&TOCID=616&BookID=25&PID=2581
        • Dot
          July 27, 20:15
          Actually, Umar forbade temporary marriage, not the Prophet. We follow the Prophet's guidance. There are plenty of traditions that show the Prophet had no problems with mutah (temporary marriage). Go read your hadith books a bit more.<br /><br />The prophets' NEVER allow something forbidden and then change later. At most they simply stay quiet about an issue, such as is the case with alcohol. The last Prophet never allowed alcohol, but he announced it was forbidden in increasingly stricter steps. The Prophet would never speak or do anything without being guided by Allah. The Quran says that even.
          • Abdullah
            July 27, 20:38
            The two Hadiths I just provided clearly stated that the Prophet did, not Umar. I will provide the English translations shortly.
          • Abdullah
            July 27, 20:45
            From Sahih Muslim<br />Book 008, Number 3253:<br /><br /> Rabi' b. Sabra reported that his father went on an expedition with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) during the Victory of Mecca, and we stayed there for fifteen days (i. e. for thirteen full days and a day and a night), and Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) permitted us to contract temporary marriage with women. So I and another person of my tribe went out, and I was more handsome than he, whereas he was almost ugly. Each one of us had a cloaks, My cloak was worn out, whereas the cloak of my cousin was quite new. As we reached the lower or the upper side of Mecca, we came across a young woman like a young smart long-necked she-camel. We said: Is it possible that one of us may contract temporary marriage with you? She said: What will you give me as a dower? Each one of us spread his cloak. She began to cast a glance on both the persons. My companion also looked at her when she was casting a glance at her side and he said: This cloak of his is worn out, whereas my cloak is quite new. She, however, said twice or thrice: There is no harm in (accepting) this cloak (the old one). So I contracted temporary marriage with her, and I did not come out (of this) until Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) declared it forbidden.<br /><br />Book 008, Number 3255:<br /><br /> Sabra al-Juhanni reported on the authority of his father that while he was with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon hm) he said: 0 people, I had permitted you to contract temporary marriage with women, but Allah has forbidden it (now) until the Day of Resurrection. So he who has any (woman with this type of marriage contract) he should let her off, and do not take back anything you have given to then (as dower).<br /><br />http://www.usc.edu/schools/college/crcc/engagement/resources/texts/muslim/hadith/muslim/008.smt.html
          • Abdullah
            July 27, 20:50
            Btw <br />it's in the Book of Marriage under chapter 3 which is titled "Chapter 3: TEMPORARY MARRIAGE AND ITS PROHIBITION FOR ALL TIMES TO COME"<br /><br />the exact same title is also in the Arabic<br />"باب نِكَاحِ الْمُتْعَةِ وَبَيَانِ أَنَّهُ أُبِيحَ ثُمَّ نُسِخَ ثُمَّ أُبِيحَ ثُمَّ نُسِخَ وَاسْتَقَرَّ تَحْرِيمُهُ إِلَى يَوْمِ الْقِيَامَةِ"<br /><br />http://www.usc.edu/schools/college/crcc/engagement/resources/texts/muslim/hadith/muslim/008.smt.html<br /><br /><br />Arabic <br />http://hadith.al-islam.com/Loader.aspx?pageid=194&BookID=25&TOCID=613
          • Dot
            July 28, 16:35
            It's obvious the 2nd tradition is false because it goes against what is said in the quran regarding mutah, as well as that the prophet would never lead his people astray. Also the so-called sahih muslim and bukhari are riddled with inaccuracies and false traditions. Of course, if you can believe that the prophet made mistakes and had to be corrected by his companions you can believe anything. There is plenty of evidence that Umar made many bi'dahs, why ignore those?
          • Abdullah
            July 28, 21:58
            could you please reply with the verse(ayah) from the Quran that halaal-ize mutah.
          • Dot
            July 28, 22:22
            4:24. The word al-istimta' is referring to mutah, the same word used in the Arabic versions of the traditions you are quoting. <br /><br />From a Shia perspective, Allamah Tabataba'i and other scholars say that there is no question that the verse is referring to mutah (Please see al-Mizan's tafseer of 4:24 for details).<br /><br />What is more disturbing than mutah is how some Sunnis believe in misyar. Do you know what that is? It's that a man marries a woman through a nikkah and then divorces her after a little bit. With Mutah, both the man and woman know what they are getting into. With misyar, the poor woman is treated as a temporary partner without her even knowing. Misyar is considered acceptable by many Sunnis. Look it up.
          • Abdullah
            July 29, 01:53
            well, from a Sunni perspective, Ibn katheer and other scholar seeing differently.<br /><br />Anyways, the major difference between between Mutah and Misyar is that Misyar applies all the normal marriage conditions but the wife forfeit her right of receiving money from the husband BUT the marriage is permanent without expiration time. Not that I approve of it either neither does the Saudi government (Saudi courts) but it's registered.<br /><br />Since I just realized that this is a Sunni - She'i debate, so I'm not going to post any other comments regarding this but I'll make it clear to Sunnis:<br />Temporary marriage is Haram and prohibited, you can find the hadiths up in my other commnts.
          • Dot
            July 29, 04:39
            We accept sunnis as fellow muslims, but see many of their ideas as invalid beginning with not following ahlul bait, because the prophet said he is leaving two weighty things, the quran and his household. This is in many of the sunni hadith books, but our brothers disregard ahlul-bait's teaching or put it on the level of the companions of the prophet, which is very unislamic. I don't agree that the teachings of ibn kathir, umar or others can ever be valid when they reject the guidance of the prophet to follow his family after him. If we cannot get past this, there is no point in discussing the invalid practices of sunnis or trying to convince them.
          • Dot
            July 29, 15:08
            And by the way, from a Shia perspective, I understand that misyar is haraam. The woman forfeits many of her rights, not just the mahr, and at the same time she still experiences difficulty in ending the relationship. The man on the other hand has no such problems. It entirely favors men and is highly unethical for violating the Islamic spirit of marriage, even in the view of some Sunnis, if not outright haraam. It results in men getting all the glory while women retain nothing but worries over ending the relationship.
          • Mohammed
            July 30, 04:57
            How this matter has become a place of heated controversy befuddles me profoundly, for it merely takes moments of pondering to realize how fundamentally flawed it really is, a foolish matter that no man with a hint of nobility could ever accept. Any respectable religion that forbids adultery cannot possibly allow temporary marriage, for they are similar in every way, except, of course, for empty phrases uttered before the deed begins. They have the same negative implications on society, a path to sin merely decorated with false lights of virtue. So, why complicate things? Why confuse people? Why don’t we all live a life of free love, like animals?!
          • Dot
            July 31, 22:13
            If we use your logic, Islam is not respectable because it allows men to marry more than one wife. Seriously, your argument is more emotional than anything based on Islamic teachings.
          • truth
            September 08, 17:53
            permanent marriage and temporary marriage is not same thing. what poor logic to justify mut'a
          • Dot
            September 09, 04:02
            You're changing the subject. You're saying mut'a is haraam because animals do it. But animals do many things, like how some males from a species have more than one mate. For a male to have more than one wife is allowed in Islam, and is also something animals do. Therefore, your argument that something is haraam just because animals do it has nothing to do with Islam. Some things animals do are haraam, and some things animals do is halaal.
          • Dot
            September 09, 17:22
            PS: Thought I was responding to Mohammed, but anyway the same goes to you. What logic are you talking about, until you explain your own statement has no logic in it.
          • truth
            September 12, 18:32
            Misyaar is just a PERMANENT marriage with some conditions. Women are not forced to agree on those conditions. Many Shia scholars agree that there can be some conditions included in permanent marriage. So, another poor logic used to justify evil mut'a
          • Dot
            September 12, 23:06
            Ridiculous, your name is truth and you're spreading falsehood. Next you're going to say that it's no problem for Sunnis to enter a marriage where the husband can just say "I divorce you" three times whenever he wants, just because the woman entered the relationship willingly.<br /><br />Mutah is halal and the Prophet endorsed it. If you think the Prophet can endorse something ("do this", "do that") and then later on change his mind, you've got serious problems with your aqeedah. It means you think the Prophet can tell people to do things that haraam or at least harmful. Only a person who is not Allah's representative can be accused of such a thing, not the Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him and his family).

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